Sleep Rap
by Adryl
Summary: Legolas talks in his sleep? Who knew? Borrowed lines from Beverly Hills Cop II. NEW! More randomness added, LOTR modern life! DISCONTINUED ATM
1. Sleep Rap

Ok, I have just let my imagination (or insanity) flow here (just like I do for my other.stuff) and it has come out, well, odd to say the least. This is a semi Lord of the Rings and Beverly Hills Cop II crossover (who'd have thought?). I know it's short, forgive me, but good things come in small packages!  
  
I do not own Beverly Hills, Beverly Hills cops, movies about those cops in Beverly Hills, or anything similar. I do not own LOTR, Legolas is not really my friend (darn, I wish!) so do not sue me. The only character I own is Drew.  
  
~  
  
Legolas slept peacefully. It was around midnight and he was having the greatest dream in the world. And if anyone interrupted it, he'd have a mind to shoot him or her full of arrows. Which, though unexpected, would happen.  
  
Drew crept up quietly, smiling insanely. It took a lot of self control not to laugh maniacally when you were about to do something so crazy and rewarding.  
  
She whispered in his ear, "Say, 'yo baby, yo baby, yo." Unknowingly, Legolas muttered, "Yo baby, yo baby, yo." Biting her lip to contain her giggles, Drew continued, "Say 'owww'." "Owwww." "Say 'owwww'." "Ow." Drew smacked Legolas in the head, making him bolt upright. "OW!" "That's excellent, Legolas, you're making great progress!" Drew clapped her hands.  
  
Red with rage, Legolas yelled, "DREW!!!" Drew cackled and ran out of the room, Legolas hot on her heels even though he knew he couldn't catch her. It was cold outside and he was in his pajamas! Elves were graceful and quick, not stupid. Walking back inside, Legolas came across Aragorn who'd been awakened in all the noise. Legolas grabbed Aragorn by the collar. "Tomorrow," he hissed, "you are getting us all locks for our doors. Understand?"  
  
Aragorn nodded, surprised.  
  
"Good," Legolas said. "Now I am going back to bed, as I fear that this lack of sleep will destroy my elven beauty and give me wrinkles. Oh," He turned around. "Lock the doors please, and don't let that psycho in until morning. Thanks." Walking back to his room, Legolas chuckled to himself. "Say 'brrrrrr'." 


	2. Must be a Monday

Ok, I don't own LOTR, and though I'll claim that Legolas will do my bidding, I don't own him either. Or Aragorn. I only own Drew and other characters to come which will be mentioned later on.  
  
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Legolas woke up to a beautiful morning. The sun shone through the window and made a lovely pattern on the floor. He smiled. He'd almost forgotten about leaving Drew outside all night.  
  
Almost. But not quite.  
  
He took his sweet time dressing and eating breakfast. Aragorn looked at him a bit oddly. "Aren't you going to let her in now?" he asked.  
  
Legolas thought about it. "Perhaps if a horde of orcs come along with torches chanting something, I will."  
  
Suddenly, there came great cries from outside, cries of, "BURN IT, BURN IT, BURN IT, BURN IT" and one, "Tomato!" which was promptly ignored.  
  
"What the-!" Legolas cried, jumping to his feet and running to the window. The sight that met his eyes was -  
  
A horde of orcs carrying torches. Legolas was in disbelief. He hadn't actually expected it to really happen!  
  
"Are you going to let her in now?" Aragorn asked in his annoying, nagging tone which meant Legolas should probably do it for the benefit of the world.  
  
"Oh, fine, fine, I'll go let her in," Legolas muttered, unbarring the door. Drew strolled in casually, as if not noticing the commotion outside.  
  
"Drew, what's with all the orcs?" Legolas demanded. Aragorn raised his eyebrows thinking, //*You* called them on, it was your bad luck//.  
  
Drew stared at Legolas blankly. Then, "Oh, those orcs? I invited them over for tea."  
  
"TEA??"  
  
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Thanks go to all who kept after me telling me to add more chapters (you know who you are!) and to the one wonderful person who reviewed (you can tell I'm buttering you up so you'll do it again). ^_^ 


	3. Senility and Lembas!

Thanks again for the lovely reviews!! ^_^ Have been away, so here's my feeble attempt to write a third chapter off the top of my head (it usually comes out pretty good that way). Remember, I don't own Lord of the Rings, I only do Legolas's paperwork.  
  
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"You invited a bunch of murderous orcs over here for TEA??" Legolas cried again.  
  
Drew nodded. "Yup, that's what I said before. You should get your hearing checked, Lego."  
  
Legolas tugged at his hair. "Orcs! GAH! And don't call me Lego!"  
  
"Told you to let her in before," Aragorn said from where he sat at the table.  
  
Legolas whirled around and snapped, "That's enough out of you! I don't see you helping matters here!"  
  
Aragorn frowned. "You shouldn't talk to a king like that."  
  
"You're not king yet," Legolas muttered.  
  
"I heard that! And yes I am."  
  
"No you're not."  
  
"Yes I am."  
  
"No you're not."  
  
"Yes I am."  
  
"Not."  
  
"Am."  
  
"NOT."  
  
"AM."  
  
"Shut up!" Gandalf yelled from down the hall. "I can hear you two from all the way down here! We're going to get nasty calls from our neighbors, you know that? And what am I supposed to say to them, "Oh, these young people, you know how they are - like everything loud." NO, I will NOT say that to them. Now just quiet down! You woke me up from my nap!"  
  
"Grumpy old people," Aragorn and Legolas muttered simultaneously. They were interrupted by Drew's happy squeal of, "Come on in, there's cookies in the pantry!" Both kings paled as a group of orcs made their way over to the table.  
  
The tall monsters sat down heavily and growled at Legolas, who was too clean for their tastes. Drew was heard humming in the kitchen, then an explosion, and she came out cheerfully. "Tea's done!"  
  
Legolas and Aragorn stared and wondered exactly what kind of tea it was that it would explode. Drew noticed and showed Aragorn the package. "It says, 'Just add fire'."  
  
Aragorn read it three times before looking up and replying, "Um, Drew? That says 'water'."  
  
"Oh." Drew read it again. "So it does. Oh well, I'm sure it's fine."  
  
Legolas shuddered. "I think I'll skip it. I, um, had a lot of Lembas this morning, I don't think I could stomach it."  
  
"Same here," Aragorn said hurriedly.  
  
Drew gave him an odd look. "But Aragorn, you said you didn't like that mushy, overly sweet, nasty, elvish waybread. And I quoted!"  
  
Legolas glared at Aragorn and waited for an explanation.  
  
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Ok, sorry that's all the time I have for this right now, will keep adding on to it later! 


	4. Uruk hai At The Door

Ok, strangely with me & random stories, I have horrible problems with the plot, catch phrases, and any other nonsense involved. SO, if none of this makes any sense or is vague in any way, I'M SORRY! And I suppose I could try to fix it later on in the chapters. And if I don't, you'll all nag me to, anyway.  
  
So, my little disclaimer thing that is endlessly repeated for those who have already read it: I DON'T OWN LORD OF THE RINGS! I don't own the Lord, I don't own the Ring, I don't own any elves that have not come of my own impish imagination. I can only have fun with them in fanfiction until my daddy takes the T-bird away. . .or as long as it takes for fanfiction to be banned as stealing copyrights.  
  
Anyway, although this story has hardly any plot at all (and won't have one until the whole orc thing has worn off) I will try to continue it as best I can. And when the awkward silence comes, I will add more freaky characters! ^_^ Heck, I can even add your characters if you felt there was the need for it (all of the Legolas fans out there are going to start yelling at me to put in their OC love interests in).  
  
OH, for any of you out there who are reviewing, THANK YOU!! Some people are elated with their 100+ reviews - I'm ecstatic with my 3. THANK YOU SO MUCH!! For any of you out there who are also fans of royalty/Middle Ages/Tamora Pierce books, I have a question for you! Help me please (for another fanfic I'm writing):  
  
Ok, in addressing a king (as opposed to a prince) do you say, "Your Highness" or "Your Majesty"? I think a king's is "Majesty" and the prince's is "Highness" because of "High" and "Majestic", majestic being . . .superior to high. I think if a prince were acting as King at any given moment, he'd still be addressed as "Highness". . .right? PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong!  
  
Alright, those of you who have braved my long commentary, chapter four! (I'll take awhile to think of an interesting title.)  
  
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Legolas tapped his fingers on the table idly. "I'm *waiting*," he told Aragorn.  
  
Aragorn was now beginning to sweat. "I, uh," he stammered and gave a nervous laugh. "Nah, I love Lembas, couldn't live without it! See how much I love it??" He grabbed some and shoved it into his mouth. "Svee?"  
  
Legolas's frown deepened. "That was perfectly good Lembas, now you're going to have to spit it out!"  
  
"Mo, mo ah wont! Ah kin ead id, svee? Ah'll tchoo, ah promiz! Ah kin ead tiz!"  
  
"You better be able to eat that," the elf muttered. "Last thing I need is to save Gondor from a civil war once their king chokes."  
  
Aragorn gave a slight cough that he tried to muffle, for Legolas's sake but especially for his own. However, elven ears still picked up on it, and Legolas was on his feet in an instant. He clapped Aragorn on the back, hard, and out shot the Lembas - into the face of an orc, sitting across the table. Slowly the orcen hand came up and slowly the Lembas was wiped off the face of a very angry orc. The muscular creature glared at the elf and the man and growled menacingly.  
  
A loud zap was heard from down the hall and Legolas and Aragorn immediately took advantage of it.  
  
"I, uh, think that Gandalf has dropped his staff into the bathtub again," Legolas said quickly. "I think I should go and, um, make sure he hasn't hurt himself."  
  
"I'll go too," Aragorn added. "You . . .never know when you need that extra person around, heheheh . . ." Both got up from the table and walked briskly down the hallway.  
  
"Be sure to unplug it before you touch the water!" Drew called after them. "Really! Gandalf should know by now that you don't play with those kinds of things by liquids!" She shook her head and clucked to herself, but restrained herself before she did the chicken dance.  
  
The doorbell rang and Drew squealed with glee, "Oh, those must be the Uruk- hai I invited!"  
  
"Seints parsarve os!" Pippin exclaimed in an overly exaggerated brogue. Frodo stared at him. "Pippin, lose the new accent. You've already got your own!"  
  
"So I do, mister Frodo, so I do," Pippin admitted.  
  
Frodo sighed. Today should be eventful - his sword said so.  
  
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Ok, wow, I think that's the most I've ever written in "Sleep Rap" (I know I took up three pages with "Hollow Soul", but that was a lot of spacing, lyrics, etc.) No doubt most of it probably came from my running commentary at the top, but hey! It works! In writing this, I got a bunch of new ideas (in here and for upcoming chapters) so the Grim Reaper of Fanfics shall not pass here yet! ^_^  
  
Yes, I know the real phrase is, "Saints preserve us", I was just going along with the "over exaggerated brogue" thing. It makes it sound more leprechaun . . .-y. *That'll* come up later on! ^_^  
  
Keep reviewing, it is muchly appreciated! And that is my word! 


	5. Hearts, Stars, and Horseshoes

Wow, thank you guys so much again! Especially Tama, thank you so much for your faithful reviews. I appreciate reviews from everyone, but Tama has been reviewing every chapter so far, so THANK YOU SO MUCH! ^_^ Tell me when you've updated your art site, I saved the link.  
  
Ok, this might be the last chapter in awhile, I have a History project I should be doing right now (eheheh) and two quizzes. But I'll try to get on and write some more.  
  
Before any of y'all tell me that there should be a dash between "Uruk" and "hai", I know. Fanfiction.net wouldn't let me put it in the title. (grrrr) But otherwise, in any of the chapters, it *will* be right with the dash.  
  
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The Uruk-hai piled in and sat as best they could around the small table. Some were left standing, but didn't mind.  
  
"There's cookies in the pantry," Drew repeated, just as cheery.  
  
Apparently Uruk-hai have a thing for pastries, for half of them were up in a moment, tearing up the kitchen. As they searched for where the cookies were, one found the pantry and ripped the door off its hinges. The other Uruk-hai swarmed around it, pulling everything apart and tearing things to pieces.  
  
"They're after me Lucky Charms!" Pippin cried.  
  
Frodo stared in awe and his sword glowed rainbow colors.  
  
"What does it say?" Pippin hissed, pointing at the blade. "Do they spare me marshmallow shapes?"  
  
"Uh . . ." Frodo looked at Pippin apologetically. "The rainbow just means orcs are nearby."  
  
Pippin frowned in thought. "I thought it glowed blue when orcs were nearby."  
  
"No, no, no, blue is when I'm sad," Frodo explained.  
  
"Well, what's red?"  
  
"Anger."  
  
"And green?"  
  
"Which shade?" Frodo asked.  
  
"The light one," Pippin said excitedly. "That's me favorite color."  
  
"Oh. . ." Frodo gave Pippin a strange look. "That's when I'm curious or studious."  
  
"Ah!" Pippin sighed as if the meaning of life were revealed to him in that one moment.  
  
"OH!" a female voice squealed. It came from an orc who was now peering intently at Frodo's sword. "Is that an authentic mood sword you have?"  
  
"Uh, yeah it is," Frodo admitted. "Bilbo said it had some kind of weird, elvish name, but I don't remember it. Bilbo's rather old, he may just be denying that the blade was bought at an elvish yard sale."  
  
"WOW!" the she-orc cried again. "That is, like, soooo totally cool!"  
  
Frodo slowly backed away from the creature. "Um, sure. . ."  
  
"You're not going to eat me Lucky Charms, are ye?" Pippin asked the she-orc suspiciously.  
  
She made a face. "No." She turned back to Frodo, who was trying to get as far away as possible. He had the feeling he got whenever he was chased by fan girls.  
  
"Hey, little Hobbit dude! Where are you going?" she giggled. "What's your name?"  
  
"Fro- er, Frocco. Frocco Underhill." Frodo said hurriedly.  
  
Pippin frowned at him. "Oh, don't be silly, Frodo." He turned to the orc. "That's me second cousin on me mother's side, Frodo Baggins!" he told her cheerfully.  
  
Frodo smacked himself in the forehead. He knew he shouldn't have even bothered to try.  
  
"Oh, I see." The she-orc grinned, showing yellow, crooked teeth. "I'm Rufus."  
  
Pippin snorted and Frodo hurriedly clapped a hand over his second cousin's mouth. "Wow, that's an . . .interesting . . .name," he managed.  
  
Rufus sighed. "I know what you're really thinking. It's awful. We have the same troubles as dwarven women - we're always mistaken for men." She sniffled and her lower lip trembled. "I just want a man who will love me for who I am - a girl who just happens to be named after a man!"  
  
Frodo gave her an odd look, but said nothing. Luckily for him, she didn't notice his expression.  
  
"Aw, Frodo, you've gone and made the lass cry!" Pippin exclaimed. "Shame on you, Baggins!"  
  
"Shame on you!" three other valley-orcs scolded from halfway across the room.  
  
Frodo blinked. "Wow," he said. "I never knew orcs had such good hearing."  
  
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Ok, I hope that was as good as the other chapters I've written. Valley girl orcs should be very interesting . . . Rufus. is still laughing about that one. I wasn't sure whether to name her something else, but Rufus seems to fit so well there.  
  
Now I *really* should work on my project, so I won't put anything up in awhile. In the meantime, I WILL be naming the other monstrous guests. 


	6. Family Business

Wow, I finally decided to take some time to write this! I've been spending so much time writing my X-Men story. ^_^  
  
Ok, lesse if I still have it. . .  
  
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"Shows what you Hobbits know about Orcen hearing!" scoffed another brightly made-up Orc. "You all think that we're deaf or something. And it's not nice to make stereotypes."  
  
"But. . ." Frodo frowned. "Didn't you just make a stereotype of Hobbits?"  
  
The Orc paused, then scowled at Frodo. "Don't you sass me, shorty!"  
  
Frodo raised an eyebrow. "And who's this one?" he whispered to Rufus.  
  
"That's Butch," hissed Rufus. "You, like, don't want to cross her - she's a dangerous character."  
  
"Really. . ." Frodo scanned the area. "And who are they?" He motioned to some shadowy looking Orcs across the room.  
  
"Oh!" Rufus shivered. "That's Rhino, Mace, and Cutter. Them's part of the Orcen Mafia!" Her eyes widened. "You won't, like, tell anyone I told ya, will you??"  
  
Frodo shook his head feverishly.  
  
"And, like, behind 'em's their leader," Rufus continued to whisper. "Vinny."  
  
At the mention of his name, a tall, fierce looking Uruk-hai that had managed to remain seated looked at them. Pippin shuddered.  
  
"Butch is, like, one of them."  
  
Frodo looked at Rufus curiously. "Vinny's the only male there. . .as far as I know. . ."  
  
"Yeah, Xander's at home - he got sick, like, just after he got that nice tan." Rufus drooled a bit over the image, then shook her head. "I guess Uruk-hai's immunity to sun doesn't include those tanning salons with the way totally cool lights."  
  
Vinny, after talking to a few of his buddies, got up and approached them. Pippin started shivering uncontrollably.  
  
"Oh no, oh no, oh no," he muttered over and over again.  
  
"Hey yous," he said. "Whadayous think yous ah doin'?" he asked in his Fonzie-type accent.  
  
"Well, we were, uh, we were, um," stammered Frodo, who was always a terrible liar since his "Underhill" incident.  
  
"I was, like, tellin' them who you were and your standings, not to mess with you, you dig?" Rufus replied.  
  
Vinny frowned at her for a minute, then nodded. "Ok."  
  
Pippin stared at Rufus. "How be it ye can talk to him like that?" he asked her.  
  
"I'm, like, one of the few people he can, like, tolerate," Rufus said without taking her eyes off of Vinny. "It's 'cuz I know his sister."  
  
"Yeeeeaaaaah, but one day that's not gonna get you outta trouble," Vinny threatened, wagging his finger at her.  
  
"You have a sister?" Frodo asked. "What's her name?"  
  
"Vinny," he said, glaring at Frodo for the interruption.  
  
Frodo frowned, confused. "But I thought *you* were Vinny."  
  
"I am Vinny," the tall Uruk-hai replied.  
  
"But, your sister is Vinny," Frodo said slowly.  
  
"Yeah, you got a problem with that?" Vinny snarled.  
  
"No, no, of course not!" Frodo yelped. "I'm just trying to clear it up a little - I'm easily befuddled!"  
  
Vinny glared and Frodo explained, "Confused."  
  
"Ah, ok." Vinny nodded.  
  
"So, why do you and your sister have the same name?" Frodo asked cautiously.  
  
"Well, yeh see, my fathah, he wanted to make sure that a kid of his named Vinny would be able to take ovah the family business, yeh dig?" Vinny started to clarify. "So he named all his kids Vinny, just to be sure."  
  
"Ah, I see. . ." Frodo said slowly.  
  
"Ok, so we's all in the clear?" Vinny asked.  
  
"Um, yeah 'we's all in the clear'. . .as far as I know," Frodo replied.  
  
Vinny grinned. "You know, I like this kid." He turned to Rufus. "Yeah, I like this kid, what's his name?" He turned back to Frodo. "What's you name?  
  
"Frodo," Frodo said hesitantly. "And this is Pippin." He stepped to the side, revealing Pippin hunched over behind him with his eyes screwed tightly shut. He opened his eyes slowly and looked at Vinny fearfully.  
  
"Eh. . .top o' the mornin' to ye, sir?" he tried.  
  
Vinny scowled. "Well," he said at first. Then again, "Well."  
  
"Well, what?" Frodo asked.  
  
"Well, see, we don't usually like them Irish types," Vinny growled and Pippin shivered. "But, is he a friend of yours?"  
  
"Yes," Frodo said firmly.  
  
Vinny smirked. "Yeh, I knew I liked you, kid. Yer tough, you stand up for yourself. Yer welcome any time in my gang, you jus' show up an' yer welcome to stay for however long."  
  
"Can Pippin come, too?" Frodo asked. "And Merry?"  
  
Vinny hesitated.  
  
"And what about Sam?"  
  
Vinny frowned. "Two micks and a brit?" He sighed. "Fine then, you and any of yer friends can stop by whenever an' we'll give you safety no questions asked." He started to walk away.  
  
"Vinny!" Frodo called after him.  
  
The Uruk-hai turned around. "What?"  
  
"Why do you dislike foreigners?"  
  
Vinny shrugged. "Hey, I'm an Italian Mafia leader - I have to be bad in *some* aspect, don't I?"  
  
"Well, yes, I suppose this is true," Frodo admitted.  
  
"Yep, it is." Vinny went back to sit at the table. After some more talking, one of the guys flashed a grin at Frodo and showed the hobbit his switchblade.  
  
"He's awful proud of that darned thing," Rufus muttered.  
  
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Yeah, I know that's a bad way to end it, and it wasn't as funny as the others have been, but I'm working from nothing here! Which. . .is the usual anyway. . .  
  
Heheh, last guy sounds like Two-Bit (for those of you who've read The Outsiders).  
  
Well, I will keep going whenever.  
  
Special thanks to Setto for:  
  
Allowing me to misspell his name before (in another fanfic).  
  
And  
  
Helping me with names for the female orcs. He came up with Rhino, Vinny, and something else that I don't remember, so I added Mace and Cutter. ^_^ And they couldn't *all* be girls (though that would certainly say something - the Amazon Orcs! Or, the balance between Dwarves and Orcs! Or. . .)  
  
So, yeah, a big thanks to him! ^_^ He's also helping me with my X-Men story (coming out quite well, if I do say so myself).  
  
If you have any suggestions, feel free to present them! Though I would prefer you do it in the form of a review - I don't exactly want to put my email addy out (I get enough spam as it is!)  
  
I think that's it for now. . .  
  
And no, I'm not giving any hints here as to whether Logan gets the Jack Russell terrior or not! (wink wink to those who know what the heck I'm babbling about). ^_^  
  
~Adryl 


	7. Willy Honda

Disclaimer: Adryl owns nothing here except for Drew and anything that is destroyed - hey, you break it, you buy it!  
  
A/N: Hey all, I'm baaaaaaack!! ^_^ Hope to be that way for a while. Any way, here's the latest random-ness for Lord of the Rings - getting close to Return of the King time, ja!  
  
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The day greatly awaited had come. Well, greatly awaited by Boromir, that is. Aragorn was completely unenthusiastic about it, but this didn't smother Boromir's mood.  
  
"Oh, ARAGOOOOOOOORN!!!" he called. "GUESS WHAAAAAAT???"  
  
Aragorn sighed. "What?"  
  
Boromir bounced up and down in excitement. "Today's the day, remember, huh huh, remember Aragorn, huh???"  
  
"WHAT day?"  
  
Boromir sighed in agitation. "The day you PROMISED to come with me to get my LEARNER'S PERMIT, Aragorn! You PROMISED!!"  
  
Aragorn paled slightly. "Oh . . . yes, I . . .I did, didn't I? Uh . . . . Actually, maybe Drew can take you - "  
  
Drew looked over her shoulder from where she was painting her nails. "Sorry, Ary, can't - I told you yesterday, I got a date for today."  
  
"Who in their right mind asked *you* out?" Aragorn muttered under his breath.  
  
"I heard that!"  
  
"LEGOLAS?" Aragorn called, quickly changing the subject.  
  
"NO, OHHHH NO, I AM *NOT* TAKING BOROMIR!" came the reply from down the hall, coming closer as Legolas stormed toward the small group. "Aragorn, a week ago you asked me to deliver the paper for you and I got shot at from some insane old guy, just yesterday you asked me to walk the dogs for you and I got attacked - WHY DON'T YOU GET A REAL JOB???" Legolas was now completely visable, his face flushed and red (surprising for an elf) and band-aids covering his person. "The moment I get in that car with Boromir, I'm signing to my death, and NO, Aragorn, you can NOT have my Barenakedladies CDs in that event!!!"  
  
Aragorn sighed - it had been worth a try. He really liked those CDs.  
  
"What's everyone yelling about?" Pippin asked. "OH, if you're arguing over those free tickets to Hershey Park, Merry an' I will take them!! Pick us, pick us!!"  
  
"What tickets?" Legolas asked. Aragorn motioned him to be quiet.  
  
"Sure, you guys, you can go - Boromir will take you," said Aragorn.  
  
"But . . . he doesn't have his permit yet," said Merry.  
  
"Well, that's why he's getting it today," Aragorn said patiently.  
  
"Oh . . . but . . ."  
  
"MERRY, WE'RE GOING TO HERSHEY PARK!!" Pippin squealed. "THINK OF ALL THE *CHOCOLATE*!!"  
  
"But Boromir doesn't have his - "  
  
"LET'S GO, BOROMIR!"  
  
"OK!!" Boromir yelled, just as hyper. He and Pippin ran to the car, dragging Merry along with them.  
  
Aragorn heard car doors slam and he smiled and went back to reading the paper.  
  
Gandalf looked out the window wearily and came over to Aragorn, leaned over, and scowled at him.  
  
"If that little punk does anything to my car, you're paying for it," he growled.  
  
Aragorn felt the blood drain from his face at the sound of the threat, and at the fact that he smelled whiskey on Gandalf's breath.  
  
"Uh, sure," he said uncertainly.  
  
Gandalf smiled a bit lopsidedly. "Good boy - goord boy." He patted Aragorn on the shoulder and wandered into the kitchen. "Goord car . . . ."  
  
Aragorn shook his head and went back to the paper.  
  
It wasn't too soon after that the news came onto the TV, "And a man has now been arrested for the kidnapping of two young children - he was found driving a blue Chevrolet Cavalier with the license plates 'GANWIZ'."  
  
Gandalf peeked out from the kitchen and Aragorn looked up to watch the television.  
  
"The man is said to be mid-30s, early forties and the kids seem to be two really short teens, curly red and brown hair."  
  
Film was shown with the police taking away Boromir.  
  
"Hey, that guy looks a lot like Boromir, doesn't he?" Drew said. "That's really kinda funny, 'cuz I was reading somewhere that everyone has someone else who looks like them somewhere in the world."  
  
"Who cares, this is boring," Legolas said and took the remote. He turned it to a channel that was playing the 'Return of the King' trailer.  
  
"Hey, a commercial with me in it!" Legolas and Aragorn said simultaneously, flashing their teeth in a grin at the same time. Drew looked up.  
  
"Ok, you guys, I wasn't *completely* serious when I said everyone was like someone else," she muttered.  
  
Gandalf scowled and ambled off to his room. "That dang boy owes me money."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Jail:  
  
Boromir desperately tried for his change back in the pay phone. The officer looked at him in irritation. "Sir, you're allowed only one call for bail - you've taken *two*. You're going to a cell now."  
  
"Wait!"  
  
"Sir, come on, let's go."  
  
"No!"  
  
"SIR!"  
  
Boromir was dragged away to a jail cell where he spent the night. "ARAGOOOOOOOORN!!!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Pippin blinked. "I'm not going into a foster home unless he is."  
  
"I'm not going into a foster home unless *he* is," said Merry.  
  
"I'm not going anywhere *without* him," said Pippin.  
  
"I'm not going *anywhere* without *him*," said Merry.  
  
"ARAGOOOOOOORN!!!" 


	8. ROTK and Billy Joel

So sorry I've been gone for so long!! I've been doing so many things . . . so many things . . . Anyway, I'll try to write a bit more – really! I have so many ideas for new fics, but it'd make sense to finish the ones I started on here first, no? Heh.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings. Obviously. If I did, I wouldn't share Legolas.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
It had been a long hard day of elven war against goblin marauders and Legolas was exhausted. Truth be told, riding on horseback all day was not his definition of fun. It would be a long war . . .  
  
In his dreams. Legolas pined for the glory he had in the War of the Ring. Now, all he had were his soap operas, his paperpack novels, Billy Joel and Bob Dylan. Reminding himself of Sherlock Holmes (not like anyone he lived with knew *him*), he would lie around for hours and play the violin (yes, unbeknownst to the readers of Tolken, he was very talented) and shoot arrows into his wall. This angered Gandalf to no end, since he was paying most of the rent.  
  
Currently, Legolas was unemployed. He had applied for a toy-making position at the North Pole, but was rejected because of his height. Every once and awhile, he'd get to wondering how the elves up there had gotten so short, and convinced himself that it was the disagreeable climate. It was harder to convince himself that he'd be better off without the job.  
  
He had tried to be a paperboy – that ended when three dogs bit him in the same day. When he finally went to see a doctor, it took double the tests to see what diseases were from which dog.  
  
Legolas had even considered being a waiter! He drew the line, however, when they gave him a hair net.  
  
Subsequent to all of the above, Legolas felt very depressed (you couldn't guess after the violin episode?) and felt quite worthless. So, to cheer him up, the rest of the Fellowship . . . and Drew . . . decided to take him to see Return of the King. Also, they wanted to see themselves in it, too – well, sans Drew, seeing as she was never in the Fellowship at all and just happened to crash their place.  
  
"Speaking of that, how *did* Drew get here, anyway?" Aragorn asked.  
  
Shhh! Don't interrupt the narrator!  
  
Aragorn rolled his eyes.  
  
*Anyway*, before I was so *rudely* interrupted . . .  
  
It took Aragorn, Gandalf, and all of the hobbits to drag Legolas away from his box of chocolates the next day – perhaps because Drew was waiting in the doorway – and into the car. But it was done, the chocolates finished off by Merry and Pippin, and they were off to the movies, Legolas clawing the back window in protest. There they met Faramir, Eowyn, and Arwen (like *that* wasn't planned), and decided to sit together.  
  
Aragorn was surprised at first that the Fellowship was not swarmed upon by fans, but realized that it was only because the other Tolkienists complimented them on their "costumes". There were a few who sat behind them who did not appreciate their appearance, and threw many pieces of popcorn at them. This ended, however, when Gimli waved his axe at them threateningly, resulting in his being escorted outside. After that, the theater was quiet.  
  
At first, Legolas slouched and pouted and was overall grumpy. But as the movie progressed, he grew more and more into it, amazed at the . . . good amount of accuracy of Peter Jackson's film. The hobbits cowered in fear during Shelob's scenes, and Faramir got all excited about his part (you could say he had a *burning* desire to watch it multiple times).  
  
Legolas leaned forward and squinted his eyes in close scrutiny. "Hey Aragorn – am I *really* that fat??"  
  
"No!" Aragorn said hurriedly, remembering the traumatic past event of force- feeding nutrition into a dieting Legolas. "No . . . it's the camera, y'know what they say – adds ten pounds."  
  
Legolas's eyes widened. "By the Valar – if they had five cameras on me, I'd be a whale!"  
  
"Er . . . whatever you say," Aragorn agreed, pretty much just to get Legolas to shut-up. It was nearly time for *his* turn on screen – again!  
  
After the movie, as they all walked back to the car (after getting Gimli out of police custody), Legolas said, "Gee, thanks guys for getting me out here – that was really great. Made me realize that I *am* important even- though-they-covered-my-beautiful-hair-in-that-stupid-cloak-thing," he muttered at the end, "But great!"  
  
Suddenly he stopped and looked melancholy. The other members of the Fellowship paled.  
  
"What's wrong, Legolas?" Frodo asked.  
  
"I'm depressed again."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because the movie's over!" 


	9. For DixieDiva13

Hey all, Adryl here – I probably won't be writing a bunch in the next few weeks, as I have a research paper to do, but hopefully I'll get the incentive to write something – anything – afterwards.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
It was mid-morning at the Fellowship and Others Household, and several stragglers were just stumbling in for breakfast.  
  
"I made apricot pancakes!" Drew squealed, loudly enough that no one had any doubts as to what they were eating.  
  
"Shut that noisy thing up already!" Legolas muttered, still half asleep, as he sat down.  
  
"Don't anger her – she has a big pan in her hand," Merry warned. "And Gandalf likes apricot pancakes."  
  
As the Fellowship ate their pancakes (with the exception of Pippin, who had Lucky Charms), Drew serenely sat down and watched them all, a big smile on her face.  
  
Legolas noticed it first as he glanced up, finding her awfully quiet. "Oh no! Spit it out, spit it out, lookit her face, she had to have poisoned them!"  
  
Drew frowned. "Why are you so paranoid?"  
  
Legolas scowled at her suspiciously. "As if you have no idea."  
  
Drew rolled her eyes and sighed, then smiled again just as brightly when they all started to eat again – cautiously, of course.  
  
"I have come to a decision," she announced.  
  
"Is she moving out?" Aragorn whispered. Sam snickered.  
  
"When I die, I'm going to donate my body to the University of Tennessee's Body Farm!"  
  
Legolas spit out his food again. "That's disgusting! And you wonder why we don't eat in this house – are you *trying* to starve us??"  
  
Drew scowled at him. "I think that the study of human bodily decay is beneficial to society – "  
  
Legolas ran for the bathroom, looking positively green. Aragorn and the hobbits were right behind him.  
  
"I don't see what their problem is," Drew muttered.  
  
"I know – after the War of the Ring, you'd think they'd be used to seeing dozens of bodies in the space of several acres," Gandalf replied – Drew wasn't sure if it was sarcasm or not.  
  
All of a sudden, there was a loud "Poof!" and a magical pink dust clouded the air for a moment. When it cleared, Haldir stood in the middle of the kitchen, coughing and tearing at the eyes.  
  
"Still getting used to that effect," he said hoarsely. Then he straightened and said, "As newly appointed 'Magical Elf of Messengers', I bring you the news of a visitor. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go buy some zero calorie seltzer." Just as suddenly as he'd appeared, Haldir was gone again.  
  
"That was strange," Drew commented.  
  
"Very," Gandalf agreed. "Can I have some more apricot pancakes?"  
  
"Sure!"  
  
The hobbits, Aragorn, and Legolas all returned to the kitchen, lacking an appetite, but smelling minty fresh.  
  
"How many times did you brush your teeth, boy?" Gandalf asked.  
  
"Three," said Aragorn and the hobbits.  
  
Legolas paused and actually thought about it. "Five," he answered finally, "and I used that Listerine mouthwash for the recommended thirty seconds."  
  
"Really?" Gandalf asked.  
  
"Yeah. And then I did it again and again for a total of two minutes."  
  
"Hey! Does anybody want to hear a cool scientific factoid about toothbrushes?" Drew asked excitedly.  
  
"No!" cried everyone else.  
  
All of a sudden, quite spontaneously, there was another loud, dusty "Poof!", except this one was blue.  
  
"Wow," said a girl coming out of the shadow. It was DixieDiva13. "Where am I?" Looking around her for anything familiar, her eye caught Legolas in its gleam of doom.  
  
"LIKE, OH-MY-GAWSH, IT'S *LEGOLAS*!!!" she cried. Running over to him, she firmly attached herself to his person and told her brain that the making out was mutual; Legolas stood there, partly paralyzed, partly dumbfounded.  
  
"Wow! That was *totally* great – I've *always* wanted to do that!" she exclaimed breathlessly later. From invisible pockets, she produced a pen and a pad of paper, and checked something off of her "To Do" list.  
  
"This scavenger hunt thing sure is fun!" was the last thing she said before disappearing in another cloud of blue pixie dust.  
  
Everyone was quiet for a moment. Then, with an evil twinkle in his eye, Gandalf asked, "So, what were you saying about mouthwash?"  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Okay, that's the last chapter for a while.  
  
Thanks so much to DixieDiva13 for volunteering herself in her review – I was actually out of ideas for the story, so I typed this up right after I got the email.  
  
"Gotta blast!"  
  
~Adryl  
  
"It's so hard to work in a group when you're omnipotent." 


End file.
